not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
