Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
