i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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