The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
As shirtless as possible
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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