Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
