dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
