**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
