there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
