even my farts smell like vagina
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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