apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I need to align my fucking chakras
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
