So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
