My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
