also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
