What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
