we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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