The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
you never un-have a 4some
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
