I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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