tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
