my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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