Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
