my soul wont recognize me after tonight
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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