So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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