I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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