I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize