i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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