the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
