____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
