Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
