Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i came on her dog
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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