Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
