If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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