Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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