in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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