saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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