dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
