You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
