Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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