1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
