I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Congratulations! We have a period
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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