i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize