Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
