Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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