Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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