I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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