Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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