My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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