I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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