I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
