Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
