Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
