Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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