Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
