I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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