Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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