you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Holy shit dude........stairs
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
