I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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