This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
