i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm passing your future prison.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
