i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
