That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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