K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
