I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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