Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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