You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize